Thoughts of a Thinker

Hola. I've been reading several excellent blog posts recently on reccomendations (and just to catch up on my intelligence backlog), as well as some cracking good analysis news articles and books. It's amazing how disconnected I've become, and how easily my brain spins down. Hmm, I need to get out more.

In the meantime, a Tamiya 1/72 Mi-24 model kit's come into my posession, and I'm wondering if I should have a crack at it. If so, I've only about 1 week to complete it before I enlist. Darn. I have a weakness for Soviet Communist Technology, and military 'attack helicopters', but I hate to either rush it out or leave it half-done to sit for months...

Still. I think I'll plan it and have a go, and work on it at fits and starts as and when. In any case, I still need to get out more.

Having a good time with family and friends.

If you don't mind, I'm going to be a little awkward here, because I'm gonna write about dealing with the way I dealt with relationship or 'BGR' (heh) issues I've got myself into.

I suppose it's insensitive to lump seperate matters and speak of a lot of people as one collective identity. Well, I'm more or less only talking about people I liked whom I screwwed around too pointlessly. (You have to realize I'm not talking about a lot.) As for situations where I'm the subject of fixation or something, well, I've no right to intervene. Yeah, the extent of 'pointless' is hard to measure, but believe me when I say these things about myself. It's a 'me' thing, at its roots.

I hope my counterparts don't feel guilty or anything, if that's the case, it's on me. Most of my faffing around is best forgot, others can be smiled at, and so on, but I've to deal with it constructively. Anyway.

I more or less went through JC and the end of Sec 4 in a confused and sad state thanks to my way of dealing with relationship-related things and stuff that happened, which was rather terrible. It did suck, let's not forget that. In addition, I suppose it was subconsciously annoying that I emerge into the world after years and years and wait, what the hell's happening to me? That's a quaint way of saying it. Humph, I estimate I read more sociology, religious and 'lifestyle' books in the past 20-odd months than in the rest of my life, which is an interesting anecdote sometimes. It's out of some teen drama series, sometimes I find. It was painful, at those times, and I'll admit it, distracting and distruptive. Mmm, it was not nice sitting down to write a thousand words for a report due in a week just one day after, er, clarifying the situation with a girl. Haha, darn. I'm discreet, because it's sensible, but these situations make good bar-room anecdotes.

Up till a week or so ago, I was in still in a state of funk brought on by my most recent bout of foolishness. It was painful for me, no matter if the cause was valid or no, and mm it was messed up. I'm quite blessed that I've gotten out of that, and here I am, thanks to God.

Well, those times were terrible, but it's not as if nothing good came from it. Poems, exercise done for escapism, learning about some things...to be dualistic about it, nothing is usually clear-cut bad or good. It is rather selfish to stand on a soapbox and go 'behold, I am wronged'.

There's a myriad of learning lessons that I drew from these things, too. The majority of problems I caused for myself by expecting others to conform to my expectations, and being unable or even unwilling to truly get into their shoes. I never thought of myself as a selfish, prideful person, because I saw myself as empathetic, but there it was. I need to get some private chips off my shoulder, and doing that's been good.

Additionally, perhaps, dramatically, these things have caused irreparable psychic damage of some sort, and in a small way I can never really go home again. But hey, you create your own home. Besides, perhaps I forego a relationship now. (With me managing half of it, it'd probably be an example of tongue-tied eroticism or something, hmm.) It's alright, if I see it from another point of view than one of selfish anxiety.

Too, the value I subconsciously assigned to such matters speaks volumes about the nature of my life. I'll not go into that, but it's shaking.

I haven't gone into everything, but that's enough for now.

At the end of it, God's helped me through a lot, and I'm viewing myself and my life in general a lot more positively now. I'm not remaking or purging myself thanks to these matters or something, but just taking into account who I am and who I'm becoming, and resolving incompatibilities and the like.

In terms of relationship issues, I haven't thought where I'll go from here, but it's a part of life like any other such as family matters, modelmaking and gaming, and I'll deal with it as such as and when. I mean, hey, stuff happens, eh? Well, I do have a life beyond the quest for lurve and sex, after all. Ah, I'm living better now. Hmm, I only pray I won't become too smug over this, but I doubt this. I'll pray, and I'm okay for now.

I'm laying it on a bit thick, but hmmm.